Broken

You know life is a funny thing. I thought growing up I had it all figured out. For the majority of my life I lived my life by a check list. Once I accomplished something I could check that off as done, and move on to the next thing. I would graduate high school, go on to college, find the job of my dreams, find me a husband child…, (lol) get married and have kids and that would be my perfect little life as I knew it! All of these things I did in that order, checking of each box as I went. I mean there had been some bumps along the way but I was always able to overcome or was I? You see in the midst of me checking off boxes I lost myself a little. I honestly thought I was living in a fairytale. But you see life is not a fairytale, and I quickly learned that when a couple of years ago something happened to me that brought me back down to reality. I mean that’s how life works right? You think you have it going on, you think you have it all together and then life smacks you right in the face. In the past I have told my story of why I started my blog but I have only told a partial truth. Yes I started my blog because I wanted my daughter to learn through me how to be confident and I wanted to help women feel good about their bodies and love themselves, but the complete reasons as to why I started my blog had not been disclosed, at least not until today. I started this blog because something traumatic happened in my life that sent me into a deep depression. For two years of my life I was lost in darkness. The happy free-spirited Tameka that everyone knew had left the building. And to be honest parts of her are still gone today. The “fairytale” life I thought I had built had been stripped from me on just one faithful day. For the first time in my life I was left with no boxes to check, I had no idea where I was going and all of a sudden I had no idea who I was. I began to question everything about myself. All of a sudden everything about me was not good enough. For the first time in my life I hated the person that I saw in the mirror. I felt worthless, unloved, unattractive and just dead inside. I hid what I was going through from my closest friends and family because of shame and embarrassment. That SHAME sent me into a deeper depression. For two years I was lost, I honestly can’t even tell you much about those two years because they are a blur. When my daughter was born I decided I wanted to live for her. I wanted her to see her mother as a strong women. Although I would not be able to protect her from the pain that life sometimes brings I just wanted her to see that you can over come and life only ends if you allow it to. Soon after she was born I started my blog. I needed something to lift myself up, something to remember that I’m a bad bitch lol I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am smart and most importantly I am strong! As I continued to write on my blog the feedback I received was mind blowing. Women writing me saying that my blog helps them to love themselves brought me so much joy and pride.  You see these women thought I was helping them but in reality they were saving me. With each positive comment and each encouraging message I grew stronger and before I knew it I was starting to get a little bit of me back. Fast forward to today my blog is still very much therapeutic for me. It give me an outlet and provides me a space we’re I am not afraid to be Tameka not Tammy…. Just Tameka. When I first started blogging I used my nickname Tammy because I was not confident in who Tameka was. Something in me told me that Tameka was not good enough. Tammy was my way of reinventing myself, as time went on, I realized that I did not need to reinvent myself and that “Tameka” was good enough, strong enough and can get through anything!!! Don’t get me wrong I still have bad days; sad days. Honestly today is not the best day but I know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. This is the most personal post I have ever shared, I hope that this post brings someone encouragement and maybe helps someone get through a dark time in their life. Just know that if you are going through something you can get through it and you will overcome.

Love ,
Tameka

3 thoughts on “Broken

  1. I love you!! You know you are always my big sis/friend/patna in crime/eeerthang!! You are strong! I told u that yesterday and you’ll continue to excel because God got yo back!

  2. You impact so many people in so many ways. It’s hard to see ourselves, but trust me, you’re awesome! Plus your feelings are perfectly normal. 🙂

  3. I truly understand. This has been me for about 5 years now. I’m slowly but surely coming out of the FUNK and finding me again. Thanks for the post. I Love It and You. #KeepBlogging #KeepInspiring

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